Previously, we discussed the first of four patterns of parenting styles, which is Authoritarian parenting. As a recap, we described Authoritarian parents as inflexible disciplinarian who believed children should always obey their parents and that punishment should always follow a violation of the rules. Their motto probably says, “Resistance is futile.”

A complete opposite of Authoritarian parenting is Permissive parenting, which is the second pattern of parenting style. Unlike the first pattern, Permissive Parenting has too much warmth, but less parental control.

Permissive parents demand less from their children. They often give in to their teens’ wishes just to keep the peace in the home. They do not like to say no to their children. As a result, teens raised by Permissive parents learn that there are few boundaries to respect and rules are mere suggestions. This further develops into lack of self-control and ego-centrism, which affects their relationships with other people.

According to this article at Focus Adolescent Services, Permissive Parenting divides further into four types:

1. General Confused Permissiveness

The most common type seen in Permissive parents compels them to give in to whatever their teen wants. They are generally out of touch with their adolescent and feel that pleasing them is the best they can do as parents.

2. Compensatory Permissiveness

Parents who grew up in poverty or had Authoritarian parents often behave this way towards their own children. They want to give to their teens the material goods and freedom they themselves did not receive from their parents.

3. Conditional Permissiveness

This type of Permissive parenting rewards the teens for good behavior that reflects well on the family, such as getting good grades. The conditional behavior should have been taught as part of a child’s responsibility towards his or her family, but instead, the behavior becomes a token for exchange with material rewards.

4. Indifferent Permissiveness

Parents who display indifference towards their teens may be too preoccupied with their own problems, their work or their selves. They give their teens whatever they wanted; in return, they expect their kids to leave them alone and not make demands on their time.

All these types have something in common: the parents often give whatever their teens wanted because they do not want to be bothered with putting in time and effort to raise their kids in the right direction. A large portion of the fault lies with the parents, who fail to take an active participation in the rearing of their children.

Parenting teens can be overwhelming for some parents. Parents often find their children have changed from the sweet little boy or girl they have raised. This time parents need to change their parenting style because the teenage years are very different from the childhood years.

Parenting styles have four patterns based on two aspects of parenting behavior: control and warmth. Parental control refers to the degree to which parents manage their children’s behavior, from being very strict to being lenient with rules and demands. Parental warmth refers to the degree of acceptance or rejection by parents of their children’s behavior. Combinations of these two parental behaviors produce four different styles of parenting.

Traditionally, parents follow their parents’ parenting style, which is the Authoritarian parenting style. These types of parents display little warmth and high controlling behavior. As strict disciplinarians, they use a restrictive style that insists on unquestionable obedience. They revoke protests by saying “because I said so” or “because I’m the parent and you are just the child.”

Teens reared by Authoritarian parents learn to value strict adherence to rules over independent thinking. Their parents do not engage in discussion with them regarding subjects they consider taboo or unimportant. As a result, teens grow up either submissive or rebellious. Those submissive teens develop parental dependence, while those rebellious teens tend to be aggressively defiant.

When Authoritarian parents encounter an aggressively defiant teen, they tend to respond the same way in their effort to establish authority and dominance over their child’s bad behavior. Sadly, the more they force their problem teens to submission, the more defiant their teen becomes.

At this point, the parents realize they have failed in breaking through the barrier between them and their child. This is where professional counselors and family therapists come in to help.

Changes in behavior and attitudes are normal during adolescence, but self-destructive behavior and anti-social personality changes are not. In fact, these are just the outward symptoms of a troubled teenager.

As an active parent, you should be on alert for these extreme signs of a truly trouble teenager:

• Being more secretive, which seems more than a desire for greater privacy
• Regular, sudden outbursts of anger that are clearly unreasonable and out of proportion to whatever has caused the anger
• Regularly misses curfew, does not show up when expected, and lies about his or her whereabouts (after you find out they were not where you expected them to be)
• Sudden changes in “friends” with no effort made to let you meet these new “friends.” Along with a new group is a distinct change in appearance, such as clothing and jewelry, and a sudden shift in attitude (i.e. more sullen, defiant, hostile).
• Stealing money from your purse or wallet on regular occasions, some steal jewelry, phones and other household items that they can pawn for cash.
• Extreme mood swings, for example from depression to elation (clearly manic-depressive) and seems to sleep a lot more than usual (probably clinical depression)
• Grades have suddenly dropped with no rational explanation, and your teen has lost interest in his or her usual activities

The natural changes in behavior that adolescence brings are fleeting, but extreme shifts in behavior that show a consistent pattern over time definitely mark your child as a troubled teen. The worst thing that you could do as a parent is to make excuses for your child and postpone any form of intervention. Do not wait to see your teen acquire a drug habit, develop alcoholism, or land in juvenile prison.

Sending your troubled teenager to military boarding school is not enough. Along with the therapy your defiant teen gets, you as a parent should also actively participate in helping your problem teenager reform. Active parents do not wash their hands off their problem child; they do not leave the guiding and counseling to the counselor or therapist.

An active parent means taking action immediately when you see your child showing behavior that seems extreme even for adolescents. It means you should not wait for your teen to ask for help. You should also avoid making excuses for your teen’s “unruly” behavior.

TroubledTeensInfo.com provides some example of how an active parent behaves towards their teenage children:

• An active parent would not just let a teen’s counselor take care of all the therapy. The parent would speak to the teen’s counselor and keep an open line of communication between them.
• An active parent would not wait for a teenager to ask for help, but offer it.
• An active parent would not just wait for a teenager to ask questions, but the parent may ask a teen about anything he/she may want to know or talk about.
• An active parent says to a teenager – I am here.
• An active parent is not too busy with work to ask a teen how his/her day went after school.
• An active parent asks a question and takes the time to listen attentively to the answer.
• An active parent puts time apart to have fun with a teenager.
• An active parent gets to know a teenager.
• An active parent takes the time to know with whom your teenager hangs out with.
• An active parent monitors the medication of a teenager, noting his/her feelings after the dose, as well as possible side effects observed.

Most important of all, an active parent does not compare their problem teen’s behavior with the behavior of other teens or even their other children. Each child is unique and some develop eccentricities that many people may not understand. Your job as an active parent is to see through these personality differences and see whether your teen is at risk for destructive behaviors, such as suicide, depression and substance abuse.

Parents, who realize that they may not be competent to handle their troubled teens by themselves, often seek professional help. Some children have learning disabilities, undeveloped social skills, or personality disorders that when left undiagnosed or untreated can lead to behavioral problems later in life.

Parenting teens is difficult enough as it is, but if the teen is struggling with emotional or psychological problems, then both the parents and children suffer more. A teenager’s problems reflect in their academic performance and overall behavior in school. Failing grades and isolation from peers are common signs of a troubled teenager. Parents can help reform their troubled teen by sending them to a military boarding school, a type of therapeutic boarding school.

Therapeutic boarding schools or emotional growth boarding schools help students deal with behavioral and emotional problems before they get worse. These students may also be suffering from substance abuse, alcohol abuse, or may be plagued with significant learning differences.

Unlike in a traditional school setting, therapeutic military boarding schools aim to provide a warm, safe atmosphere to help troubled teens get back on the right track. They have a compassionate educational community that helps develop personal growth and healthy self-expression to inspire academic excellence and teaching and encouraging individual responsibility.

However, this begs the question of how young a child could be for parents to send to a boarding school. It actually depends on the family, the child, and the particular boarding school concerned. A child will need to adjust to the new environment, and his ability to adjust will depend largely on his maturity, personality, and flexibility.

Parents should carefully consider any decision to send their child to a military boarding school or any other type of facility where they will live away from home and family. They should make a thorough assessment of the child’s strengths and weaknesses. They should also look into the factors that contribute to their problem teens’ behavior. The younger their teens are, the more important this process of assessment will be.